"The icon does not make clear which side of the fence Christ is on.
Is he imprisoned or are we?"
Sometimes we carry our prisons around
with us. The barbed wire in that icon always reminded me of the barbed
words and the ripping pain of trying to live free while still bound to
being responsible in a very painful situation. Not free to leave, but
free to know that if I did not stay, who would bring help? And who would
I be if I left to comfort myself?
I'm still watching therapy videos
online, last weekend was intense and cathartic. It is very rough, almost
like some sort of deep tissue massage, to listen to a stranger speak of
phenomena that always disturbed me, but I could not place. Why would
she say that? How is it that these things happened, yet we were supposed
to be a very average family? Why did this one respond this way, but he
went that way?
No one therapist has my family framed,
no pat answers are forthcoming, but the festering wounds are being
relieved of their mystery as the patterns of abuse are uncovered and
filth of deception is washed away. I was always, Always asking myself
why did things have to be this way, how did they get this way, and why
can't it just get better? No matter what anyone did, nothing ever got
better. Well, the spring of bitterness has to stop contaminating
everyone else - either by becoming sweet or drying up.
I'm discovering things like "no contact," which is a technique all of us tried in our own way, and "observe, don't absorb,"
which was my primary technique for the last 30 years. The basic NPD
character and motivation of things like objectification, complete lack
of compassion, and the NPD thinking of him/herself in the third person
like watching a movie - all these things I knew, but I had no framework
in which to place them. It takes time and review to pull this stuff up
and work it out - going over the memories and making personal history
rational instead of chaotic.
There's a response video to one SpartanLifeCoach
put out, the response video being in favor of more therapy being
required even after a root cause of trauma is discovered, that knowing
why isn't enough. For someone dealing with Complex PTSD, (resulting from a lifetime of abuse at the hands of someone with a personality disorder versus short term or single event PTSD,)
long term recovery, compassion, and deliberately cultivating new growth
in your soul in all those areas that were stunted by the abuse is
really the only way. Long term abuse takes up the years of your life,
the world you could have had in the short term is gone, never to be seen
again. It isn't enough to know what happened, you have to find new ways
of living.
I was talking to my Dad on the phone
about my brother, who is Very Much like my mother, and is trying his
bullying, accusatory best to cause legal trouble in regards to the
Estate. The thing I found myself saying, in trying to reassure Dad that
this would all turn out alright eventually and please don't worry, is
that in having to go thru all the difficulties with Mother and then
again having delays and unpleasantness in closing that portion of my
life, I've become a different person. I would not be learning who I
really am and what I can do and what kind of relationships I deserve if I
did not go thru the terrific workout that is closing these
relationships with kindness, forbearance, and with respect to the kind
of effort God requires of His own.
If I had run off to Florida,
I would still be the woman I was when I ran away. If I shot my mouth
off and responded in kind to my brother, I would take a step towards
becoming like him. If I stay and persist, then I am still in the fire
and can be changed into someone I've never been before...and perhaps
have been seeking to be for a very long time.
Years ago, I received a prophetic word from a
prayer ministry about God restoring the joy that was taken away from me.
It spoke about a little girl in red shoes that was just happy and
joyful, without burdens. Of course we all are that way to some extent as
children, but the only place I could think of with red shoes was here.
A few months after this picture was taken, things happened. Offenses, pride, confusion, stupidity, separation, grudges, a whole host of bad decisions - all things precipitated out of a narcissistic wound - and really, our family never recovered. I became a parentified child immediately, charged with taking care of my mother.
Now that's over and I'm free to be
again. Just free. To be. To trust my own heart again, openly this time.
To follow my own heart, without the endless second guessing that NPDs
and their codependents layer on top to maintain control and satisfy
their own interests. Free to be happy, which is an extremely weird
feeling after all this time! I mean, I question myself every time I feel
"happy" lest I've forgotten something important I'm supposed to be
doing instead. It's just ...odd. But I really like it!
The best bit is trusting my own heart,
not just about life decisions or such, but trusting that the things I
hear in my heart and the desires that flow out of my heart are true and
trustworthy. I still have to consciously turn to listen and accept as is
what is going on in there, and NOT layer it over with second guessing
in my brain. That isn't to say my brain or my flesh aren't always
chiming in with their own opinions on HOW I should follow my heart! They
are still quite perky, thank you very much, and I rather expect them to
stay that way, but I'm relaxing into letting my heart go first, feeding
it more, and letting it set the agenda for where I'm going altogether.
That brings us back around full circle
to being set free - thru the image of Christ. Second Corinthians 3:17-18
puts it this way:
"Now the Lord is the Spirit,
and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (emancipation from
bondage, freedom). And all of us as with unveiled face, because we
continued to behold in the Word of God as in a mirror the glory of the
Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever
increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another: for this
comes from the Lord, Who is the Spirit."
[Edit 02/16/19 - I look at that verse now and wonder if we aren't looking in a mirror at something that is behind us or around us. We can't see it face to face or with our natural eyes, but the mirror shows the image true. Just a thought to consider, but I can't find "mirror" in any scripture related to Moses. Did Moses see a reflection in the pool of water resulting from striking the rock to provide water for the people? I don't know, but I'll be looking for any obscure translation or tradition related to that. :-) ]
I was lead back yesterday directly from
the secular therapists' discussion on long term recovery to a teaching
tape by Lynne Hammond that I've listened to over and over again for
probably 20 years now. It's the first in the series
called the Mirror of the Word. If you are secular, that's alright,
there's quite a bit of very good observation in it about how our
thoughts multiply like mice and get out of control, and then we don't
want to be honest with ourselves and even look at what we've been
thinking - we just close the door and pretend that stuff isn't in there.
But we have to come back to the Truth and take every thought captive,
exposing it in the full light of day, and then do something about every
lie that wants to hang around by demolishing it with the Truth and our
own words - spoken out loud.
You'll never win a battle with a thought by trying to think about something else, you have to talk back to it.
If you are a Christian, as I am, then
you might have caught on to the linkage in my being free to trust my
heart without interference and the joy of a rediscovering fresh again a
teaching series on prayer. If you are born again, the Holy Spirit and
your spirit are joined, He has come to make His home in you, never to
depart. If your mind can be corralled to let your heart have His way in
you, then you are free to ask for whatsoever you want, and be confident
that He is moving on that request. For you, for your friends and loved
ones, for the nations, for the world, for anyone anywhere anytime.
It's wonderful.
The door may have always been open, but
the crappy bit is that we don't always know that in our heads. Living
this life here is messy, but freedom in Christ Jesus is glorious!
