I just had an interesting piece of mail arrive and needed someplace to vent, but then could barely get this blog to jump thru its hoops again - verifications, email access, codes - I don't know why some engineer has to reinvent the wheel every five years.
If I still had my old blog I'd call this one
"You know the relationship has matured when you lose your name"
Somewhere in last two or three years of Dad's life I lost his name for me, because he gave it to his wife. I think up until that time she had never heard him call me that, but it was the nick name I came home from the hospital with when I was born. When she heard him using it with me, I think she began gunning for it, and he gave in to her. As always.
Hearing him address her that way (and never again me) was yet another of those knives thru the heart.
"How could he??? That was ALWAYS my special name!!!" Another slice thru my vitals, another thing that could never be discussed, another thing I couldn't do anything about by the time it was done.
Anyway, today I got a missionary newsletter from a group I had pioneered a project with, given thousands of dollars to, and been utterly shunned by when gossiping women had lied about me and taken the upper hand. The other people local to me are even very careful to never tell me anything about it, I'm a non-person, yet no one has ever come to me to say a word to me about it.
Today, I got the larger organisation news/support letter... and my name has been changed to my initials. I think it was pulled from a larger electronic list where I made my last donation. I'm a possible source of cash, but I'm officially a non-person in every other way.
Just a little reminder of the old puncture wounds in my back, but no trips to the 7-11 for ciggs, so I'm pretty pleased with myself. A little dizzy, my face has gone numb with a bit of buzzing sensation, an outburst or two, but I'm alright. Mostly I'm ashamed of believing in those people and trusting them as friends. How could I be such an idiot? How could I not see accept what was going on right in front of my face For Years? I always brushed it off, they were Christians, right?
meh
It's almost midnight now, too late to do much else than finish this. I've been hoping that I will have turned up all the surprises that need turning up by Easter Sunday. I've always been a Princess and the Pea kind of gal, I can't rest as long as I can feel there's this thing hiding under there. I have to know, and, boy howdy, I've turned up some stuff, but I can't feel anything much left now. That's a good thing. There's no reason to keep carrying around someone else's ghosts, sunrise is coming.
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