Resurrection is tough work

 I just had an interesting piece of mail arrive and needed someplace to vent, but then could barely get this blog to jump thru its hoops again - verifications, email access, codes - I don't know why some engineer has to reinvent the wheel every five years.

If I still had my old blog I'd call this one

"You know the relationship has matured when you lose your name"

Somewhere in last two or three years of Dad's life I lost his name for me, because he gave it to his wife. I think up until that time she had never heard him call me that, but it was the nick name I came home from the hospital with when I was born. When she heard him using it with me, I think she began gunning for it, and he gave in to her. As always. 

Hearing him address her that way (and never again me) was yet another of those knives thru the heart.
"How could he??? That was ALWAYS my special name!!!" Another slice thru my vitals, another thing that could never be discussed, another thing I couldn't do anything about by the time it was done. 

Anyway, today I got a missionary newsletter from a group I had pioneered a project with, given thousands of dollars to, and been utterly shunned by when gossiping women had lied about me and taken the upper hand. The other people local to me are even very careful to never tell me anything about it, I'm a non-person, yet no one has ever come to me to say a word to me about it. 

Today, I got the larger organisation news/support letter... and my name has been changed to my initials. I think it was pulled from a larger electronic list where I made my last donation. I'm a possible source of cash, but I'm officially a non-person in every other way.

Just a little reminder of the old puncture wounds in my back, but no trips to the 7-11 for ciggs, so I'm pretty pleased with myself. A little dizzy, my face has gone numb with a bit of buzzing sensation, an outburst or two, but I'm alright. Mostly I'm ashamed of believing in those people and trusting them as friends. How could I be such an idiot? How could I not see accept what was going on right in front of my face For Years? I always brushed it off, they were Christians, right? 

meh

It's almost midnight now, too late to do much else than finish this. I've been hoping that I will have turned up all the surprises that need turning up by Easter Sunday. I've always been a Princess and the Pea kind of gal, I can't rest as long as I can feel there's this thing hiding under there. I have to know, and, boy howdy, I've turned up some stuff, but I can't feel anything much left now. That's a good thing. There's no reason to keep carrying around someone else's ghosts, sunrise is coming.

What if we stayed. And worked.

 For a thousand years.

A possibility occurred to me amongst all the rehashing of Jesus' return and what thens, what if when Jesus returns, the resurrection trumpet doesn't blow just yet, but instead those of us who believe and are still alive are changed to be like him, then we are tasked to work thru the 1000 year reign alongside and on behalf of Him. How would we feel with that prospect?

I've spent a lifetime believing and looking forward to not being troubled with the mess and heartache of this fallen world at Christ's return. In short, getting out of here and being reunited in an eternal fellowship with other believers in peace. But, what if we had to stay and do the work alongside Him in a still messy, subject to sin, still full of scoundrels and all their mess world? That's a serious question, how do I feel about it?

The world is blowing up into a mess no previous civilisation has ever known. There's no where to run, no new territory left to hide and rebuild, and so every horrific sin there ever was is festering and intensifying in a world wide petrie dish no laboratory has ever seen. This is the world Jesus is coming to judge and rule over, but it's not going to be via magic wand, it's going to be thru His own people finally renewed in His own likeness.

 We'd like to think that'll make it all easy-peasy, but I'm not convinced at all that's the issue. 

I came to realise some years back that I'm glad that angels are Jesus' army of vengeance because I don't want to ride along slaughtering evil people like a scythe thru a field. It may be necessary and just, but it's still horrific and I don't want to experience that. Let the angelic host have that one, no dispute from me there.

But what if the resurrection of the dead and no more sin is another 1000 years off and we have another 1000 years of careful work ahead of us? I'm retired now, I'm not all too cheerful about taking up a thousand year commission of work and waiting again. I'd do it if asked, I'm sure it's totally doable with the Lord's personal presence and no obstruction of the Spirit's guidance of our flesh anymore, but it's still a tough calling. Real tough.

Perhaps it's the appropriate apprenticeship for an eternity of God's rule in the universes and ages to come, though. A mere summer of diligent labor to prepare for what is coming later.

I dunno. We'll see.

I like this fellow

 A lot.

HOW TO PRAY WHEN YOU FEEL DEAD INSIDE
Mull Monestery

Resource list

I need a place to park these things, but why not share? To be updated as I find things.

Interactive Timeline of the Kings and Prophets - I swann, keeping the Old Testament in order is like juggling ferrets, especially if you're only reading a chapter or two a day. This should help.

Dr. Carmen Joy Imes youtube channel - she has a terrific weekly video called Torah Tuesday with her new finds as she goes thru the Old Testament again as she writes another book. It's also available with Spanish or Hindi subtitles! I love her, she gets excited and wants to find the cool new thing she found right away.

Sentinel Apologetics - this guy has jumped the shark when it comes to long form studies of a topic, but he's never failed to find something I didn't know I needed to know until I heard him say it. People like that are worth the time every time.

Edit: I haven't been around here for several years, obviously, but some things have changed in a large way. I intend to cluster up some bits and post those, for the record basically, because there is no readership. But, I think I must be alright with that, it's just posting things entirely outside myself that is satisfying. Someone AI crawler bot might stumble it one day and .....

If he wasn't there

What if I had got this Christianity thing wrong and when we died, we all went to some beautiful land where everyone was their best self and no one did anything hurtful and everything was happy ever after - but Jesus wasn't there? Perhaps there was even a God there, but He was a Force or even a Super-Being, but he wasn't the Jesus of the Bible - not that whole Saviour on a cross Son of God thing.

What would I do? How would I feel about that? After all, I'd be in the most beautiful place ever,
and I'd know that everything had come out alright,
and all the people I loved would be there.
And there would only be good things happening.
And there would be endless interesting things to know and do.
And happiness ever after.

But no Jesus.


Just think about it.

Eternal peace.

Endless opportunities.

Lots of things to do.


But no Jesus, Lord of Glory.


I've thought about it. If He isn't there, it would be an emptiness that ten thousand million billion people couldn't fill. If I can't be with Him, all the lovely in the universe could never substitute. If the imagination of such an afterlife crushes your soul to tears, then you know where your love is. If it doesn't sound too bad, then maybe being a Christian isn't really where you're at right now.

Identity forclosure

From this blog post here.

"Identity foreclosure is a psychological term for the phenomenon in which a person makes premature conclusions about his or her personal identity without a time of exploration and discovery. Identity foreclosure happens when a person adopts the identity of others around them or is forced to accept the identity expectations assumed or given to them."

and

"I began getting to know myself—like one might get to know a new friend. I started asking myself questions. What do you like to do? What are you good at? What are your dreams? What makes you tick? What are some things you have always secretly wanted to try? If there was nothing holding you back, who would you choose to be?"

That post is also about a doctrine circulating in Christian circles that posits that women have a dependent position to men within the church called Complimentarianism - women "complement" the primary role men have as ministers within the church. No matter what view you have about religion or the role of women within Christianity, if God exists and has revealed Himself to humanity, then it is very important to know Him and His view about who we are as clearly as we can.  If you are a Christian, understanding Him is your daily meat and potatoes (metaphorically speaking) because the whole of your spiritual strength comes from standing under Him, and Him alone - not your own reasoning or anyone else's.

Don't ever be afraid of learning more about His way of identifying you for He made you from the very beginning. It isn't as if He is some outsider trying to barge in and change the good thing you have going on. Whether you are a man or a woman, rich or poor, modern or traditional, young or graying middle age, none of these things matter in Christ. His call is not to your gender, sexuality, age, influence, or fame. Jesus' call is to the person you are inside of that frail human frame, and He wants to light you up inside brighter and livelier and more creative and joyful than anything you've ever seen anywhere.

Are you sure you're sure?

Someone somewhere else asked if a true narcissist (her mother) could be a Christian, after all, the narc is all about himself and Very cruel. This is the encouragement I gave her in response. It applies to NPDs and all those with mental disorders and mental illnesses.

Narcissism, even within the parameters of the personality disorder, exists on a continuum. Some people are more, some are less. But really, it isn't a straight line scale, it's a landscape of selfishness. Some people cross the border regularly for visits, some people hoist the flag and buy penthouse apartments in the capital city.

By the time I learned about NPD, my mother was very much on the decline physically, so I had to get help from friends who also knew my opinion about her being NPD. My friends are still astonished that I am confident she was genuinely a Christian, they just couldn't find any evidence other than the religious forms she had always used as a cover.

The key thing to remember about Christianity is that the root of it is not in the mind, it is in the person's spirit, and we neither save ourselves nor keep ourselves in a state of righteousness with God by our prayers or good works. Being made right with God is something we give ourselves in trust to Jesus to do FOR us. That is our faith - we are trusting Jesus to reconcile us to God AND keep us from being such stupid jackasses as to walk away from that reconciliation.

Lots of people stop right there. They recognize the truth of the gospel that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, they sincerely believe it and acknowledge Jesus as their savior, they never stop believing that is true - and then they carry on the rest of their lives trying to live out of their reasoning faculties. Believing happens in the heart, reasoning comes out of your head.

NPD is an entrenched mental disorder. It begins as a form of self defense and grows over time to become an aggressive, pernicious, hideous thing. I heard someone call mental illness "cancer of the mind" once, and it might be a fair analogy. It makes the personality deformed and ugly, but it's key to remember that "personality" is just the part of a person that we see acting outwardly. The innermost part of a person we never see, only that person and God knows what goes on in there.

It only takes faith the size of a mustard seed for God to change someone completely from the inside out. How many have waited until the last moment to throw down the rebel flag and surrender, yet we have no problem believing they are saved? How many sit in church because it's full of "nice" people, yet never do believe that whole "blood shed at Calvary" rigmarole?

If your Mom says she saved, go with that in your prayers. Hold her words up to God with your whole heart and entrust Him to make her words true and sure. It's His problem and He can bloody well come up with the solution. If He is God, then He can live up to it for your mother. (I'll tell you a big secret about that kind of prayer - He ain't scared of it and He likes to save people right where they are.)

You will have to keep your own head outside of the neat little boxes psychology and religion want to stuff people in. Categories of mental illness and most sermons are ratiocinations of the mind, and faith in God always comes from your spirit. I recommend C.S. Lewis as a trusted ally - The Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity, The Great Divorce, and the whole of the Narnia books.

Lewis had an understanding of people in the grip of addiction and mental illness, and hard won experience in being a faithful friend to both. I think both of those things light up his writing. "...it is not easy to throw off in half an hour an enchantment which has made one a slave for ten years."